American Idol Season 8

I was never a big American Idol follower but this season I've been keeping up with the show religiously.  It's incredible how much talent there is among the contestants and of course, I've already got a few favorites.  

I think the reason why I'm so into it this season is because this past summer (when I was jobless and desperate) I was seriously contemplating on auditioning for the show, but of course I chickened out.  In hindsight, I feel really stupid for not doing it because that was probably the only time in my life when there would have been nothing holding me back (i.e.- school, a job). When I told my mom about this, she got upset and then laughed at me for not taking the chance. 

But what people don't know about me is that I'm incredibly shy when it comes to performing.  It is extremely nerve-wrecking for me to put myself out there for all to see and hear.  You guys don't know, but there are always a million and one thoughts moving around in my head when I'm doing anything in front of people.  I think my nerves would've eaten me alive if I actually did show up at the live auditions--that is if I could even make it that far.  

Self-consciousness is something that I struggle with each and every time I perform in front of people.  Music comes from the soul and singing is a very deep and emotional form of communication, which I think gives a little glimpse of a person's vulnerability.  It expresses a part of who you are as a person and sometimes I'd rather keep that part to myself.  And then comes the whole pride and humility issue.  It's so easy with singing for people to judge and automatically dub you as being arrogant and diva-ish.  But then on the flip side, if you're too humble, people think you're even more arrogant or that there's just something wrong with you. haha. I guess the correct recipe would be to have humility with a hint of self-confidence.  

It's hard to be a well balanced musician.  You have to learn to humbly accept the compliments and at the same time confidently acknowledge your talents.  I definitely need to do a better job at accepting others' comments, good or bad, instead of just feeling awkward all the time.  It's a learning process...sigh.

So who knows, maybe next year? 

February update

How the hell is it February already?! I'm seriously so engulfed with things at work and home that I don't even notice how much time has passed...oh lordy.  

Well, speaking of work, my daily activities at the office have definitely picked up within the past month.  I've been given a lot more responsibilities--which I'm totally fine with--but sometimes it drives me insane, especially because I handle a lot of important/sensitive materials regarding money and contracts and what not.  So stressful, because if anything gets screwed up...it's on me...BIG time.  I have a few mini panick attacks every now and then, which I tend to keep to myself and out of sight from my co-workers, but in the end, everything works itself out.  In the meantime, while I'm desperately trying to catch my breath and piece my mind back together, my supervisor tells me not to worry and that I'm doing a great job.    

That's what I love about my boss.  She's so reassuring and encouraging and always looks out for our best interest.  I like to call her our Big Mama.  Anytime, anywhere she's ready to argue, debate, defend, and negotiate to not make our lives--and jobs--a living hell.  

I'm always so in awe of her and the way she communicates so eloquently with people and somehow, mysteriously, always gets the other party to agree--or at the very least--compromise with whatever argument she's presenting.  It makes me wonder how she would've been as a lawyer--probably a really good one.  Well, I guess that's the consequence of being such a seasoned and over-experienced Director for so many years at the company.  She's truly amazing.  

Work 5 days a week (and sometimes 6) isn't so bad considering the amazing people I work with, but when I do have a really long and rough day, I like to unwind with some down time at the gym.  Our corporate gym discount at work allows me to ease up on membership fees, which I think are ridiculously high to begin with.  But, if I didn't join a gym, I'd probably be like Brian Choi, desperately trying to stuff my muffin tops into the already tight-ass jeans that are about to explode (note: brian choi is not fat but for those of you who do read his updates, i hope you found the humor in that).  No, but seriously, with all the stress that my co-workers and I face day to day, we are constantly eating.  Food is our one and only comfort.  It stops us from wanting to gauge our eyes out so that we won't have to look at another budget report.  

Anyways, back to the gym discussion, last Friday, I met with a personal trainer to get some tips on how to properly excercise and to learn some new workout routines.  I didn't think it was going to be that bad; go through some preliminary assessments, maybe do one or two exercises and then head home.  Hell no, it was nothing like that.  I filled out one sheet of paperwork and then got my ass kicked the rest of the hour.  We started on some cardio for 15 min then moved on to core strength training.  She put me through crunches, planks, wall squats, weight balls..you name it.  I was desperately trying to make it seem like I could handle everything, but that just made her boost up the intensity!  I could feel the lactic acid burning and throbbing in my thighs and arms.  It was torture and it made me realize how little muscle strength I have. But, hopefully I'll have enough discipline to keep this up and get on my way towards good health! 

Speaking of health, my spiritual health these days have been sort of bleh. I've been attending a new church called Morning Star on the Upper West side of the city and so far, I really like it.  A couple of things that stand out to me about Morning Star: 1) it's incredibly multi-ethnic, 2) it's got a great band and awesome praise (definitely important to me) 3) has a good community base, and 4) it's connected to a larger network of churches with an extensive missions history.  I really liked the vibe I felt from the minute the greeters welcomed me to the end of service and it really proved to me that first impressions are very important, especially for newcomers.  

When I first walked in, naturally, I was drawn to the band and their style of worship.  It's very Hillsong-esq in that they have a lead singer (a black dude who's amazing) and a bunch of vocalists lined up in front accompanied by the rest of the band in the back.  Last week, I heard one of the best renditions of Hosanna by this band, and I was like, whoa.  Aside from the band, the pastors are each unique, humorous, and engaging in their own way.  There's a sort of practicality and simpleness to their sermons that helps bring me back to the basics of my relationship with God.  Also, as I was doing some research on the church beforehand, I was very impressed by the leadership and accomplishments of Pastor Ron's (the head pastor) wife, Lynnette, who's got a great vision and strength in training people to know and love what they're really meant to do and to find purpose in the workplace.  

I think--or I hope--that this can be the community where I can grow and cultivate my spirituality with other people who share the same passions as I do, that being, in music.  I think these days I haven't had much of an opportunity or context, rather, to do what I love to do.  It's like, I'm dying for an outlet of some sort for me to make music or to play in a band.  I really miss singing, a lot, and I know there's a plethora of opportunities for me to do so in the city, it's just a matter of me finding them.  But, I don't know, I think it goes a little bit deeper than that and I'm not really sure what's holding me back from taking advantage of those opportunities.  It could be a lot of things; fear, timidity, insecurity and what not. Or maybe I need a little push? And it's not just with singing. My mind's been doing these crazy things where it's just opening up different doors and scenarios that, when I really sit down and think about it, is absurd, but could be a possibility?  It's weird and it's been driving me nuts but I can't help but think, maybe? 

But anyways, more updates to come on that part of my life (if it ever does).  Thanks for those of you who actually listen to my myspace.  I'm sure you're pretty sick and tired of hearing the same songs over and over again, but please understand, it's been kind of barren in that area for a bit, but I''m working on a few things, so..it's coming.

 

By the way, I'd love to hear from you guys and I'm totally open to setting up a phone date, if anyone's interested..just so I can hear your lovely voices and see what's going on in your lives.